Traffic terrorists nabbed at Malappuram coast
Police said on friday that they have taken into custody 2 suspected terrorists (belonging to "Harkka Markka Thul Thul" terrorist organization in Pakistan). It is alleged that these guys came via Indian Ocean using a paddleboat. A huge cache of weapons (234 rounds of M16, 34 square grenades, 104 safety pins and 10002 scud missiles all hidden under the paddle boat) was recovered.
But what surprised the police most was the discovery of a master plan to bring chaos in Kerala traffic and kill as many people as possible. Police said that probably this scheme has been going on successfully for sometime. Police said this is the first time they were able to catch "Traffic Terrorists". A wide net is put all over Kerala to catch any remaining Traffic Terrorists.
Following is an excerpt from "learning driving in 21 days" book which terrorists were trying market in local Malayalam language (Our special thanks to kuttappan in Kerala police for leaking this!). Driving in Kerala will never be the same again!
"Driving is an art. In India, driving is more than an art. It is more a combination of art and acrobatics. Following are some general tips to improve your driving experience in Kerala. It doesn’t matter whether you are driving bike, car or truck; principles almost remain the same. Note that the following principles are in no particular order. They are all very important in a calm peaceful society."
- First and foremost rule. Look at the ground and drive. You need to scan the road all the time to avoid potholes. Some of the potholes are affectionately called "grabham kalakki" in Kerala.
- Indicators are really unnecessary in Kerala. Please do not use them since it helps to conserve the battery power. Let us keep our environment green.
- When driving at night, ensure that headlamps are in high beam. Also whenever you see some one coming with high beam from opposite side, flash your headlamps (or switch off in between) - that will teach him a lesson!
- When you reach a cross section, assume that the guys coming from the cross section road will slow down. Hence do not slow down. In fact it is probably safer to accelerate.
- Apply horn liberally. Horn is not advised when you overtake since it might trigger passion in the driver you are overtaking. Horn is also not advised when you go over a curve as the horn might startle the driver coming from the other side.
- When you a see a pedestrian crossing ahead using Zebra line or otherwise, accelerate maximum and then push horn button and keep it that way till he runs. You can also do a sudden brake at the end. This ensures that he/she may not attempt to cross when you come next time. It is also keeps pedestrians in good health by providing the required exercise and keeping their heart in good shape.
- Sometimes you will see that a pedestrian is standing in the middle of the road like a bull. It is better not to mess with him. You can try a very light horn possibly with sufficient distance. This type guys are quite common in villages and is called bulltrians.
- Overtake from any side. Always strive to overtake. Your number of overtaking increases your Karma. This ensures that your life after death will be pretty good and as a bonus death is also guaranteed earlier.
- All drawings on the road, which includes yellow lines, white lines, dashed lines etc, are road ornaments. They are a part of government’s Kerala Bachao initiative to make Kerala look good. Some people seem to mistake them for some non-existent rules.
- Wherever there is a signal less junction, there is a strong chance that somewhere traffic police is standing and controlling traffic. Pretend that you haven’t seen him (chances of seeing him is actually very less). If you see him at the last moment, do not hesitate, just press accelerator.
- There are not many tollbooths in Kerala. But when there is one everyone wants to cross it in 0.02 seconds. So when you reach booth, if there is someone in front, apply horn to speed him up. You can also make screeching sound to speed him up. Also when you take the toll slip act like you are going to buy ‘vayu gulika’ for your Mom.
- In all parts of Kerala, you can find a unique vehicle called Auto. These are capable of doing a U-turn faster than a bullet. Always overtake one when you see one. He might catch up and overtake you at the next junction. But never loose patience, overtake again and so on.
- When you drive ensure that clearance between you and the guy in front is minimum. This ensures that you are in the vacuum generated by vehicle in front and hence petrol consumption will come down.
- Roads in Kerala are built mainly for possessions such as temple celebrations. So as a road user you will need to do compromises such as sitting at home.
- All speed limits in Kerala are written in hexadecimal and in miles. That means a figure of 50 on highway means 80 miles per hour is the maximum speed allowed.
- All across Kerala, you will see that gay men like to move around in cycles side by side taking almost half of the road. It is also better not to disturb them from their love making talk and cycling.
